Wow

I can't believe I haven't actually written on here. This was supposed to be my escape from myspace and everyone on there, but it doesn't seem to be working. Well, I guess it can't work if I never get on!! Huh?

Well, I guess this has just sort of turned out to be my ranting and raving site of being a lesbian fresh out of the closet. Things have been going well. I have yet to actually come out to my parents tho. (side note: me and my mom have recently been getting along very well...I'm trying not to ruin that quite yet) But I must say, I'm coming very close to just throwing it out randomly during conversation one of these days.

I have to say that I quite proud of myself for finally getting over worrying about what people from church might say (yes, I am involved in church, and at least try to attend church on a regular basis)...and I've finally come to terms with the fact that they are either gonna except me for me regardless of my orientation...or it will be too much for them to understand and I will know that we obviously weren't that good of friends to begin with.

There are quite a few people who I've told, or talked with about it...and it doesn't seem to be a concern to them at all. I know I kind of have to take it step by step. To tell people a huge part of me that they've never known before sort of catches people off guard. And I respect that people need a little bit of time to adjust to the news. Like my friend Alyssa has been fantastic. She was the first person I told, and I figured she would understand the most. It was a little weird bringing up the conversation (even after I had come out to her several months before), but she's been really good about. She even told me the other day that she thought it would be awkward to talk about the subject, but that it turned out not the be.

That in itself has made me more okay with letting more and more people know. But the telling the parentals...is just a bit more difficult. I can't say that they don't already have some assumption of the matter...but still. I mean, I've lived with them for 21 years, they have to have some clue that I'm a lesbian. (you know, playing softball for 13 years...not dating anyone the last 6 years, etc.) It's just a touchy subject. I want to tell my dad first....but face to face (he's currently in prision..well he has been since I was 11 and wont be out til April/May). He's just more understanding and far less judgemental than my mother. I dont know...I may just put it in a letter...and see what he says. And based on his response, will determine how I end up telling my mom. Hmmph. Ok, til next time!

The Ditty Bops- Wishful Thinking

haha, this is hilarious

A Tattered Window

It's like staring into the unknown. You're looking into something that has so many secrets, so many dark secrets. Yet someone may be standing on the other side, in desperation, hiding in fear. Can you imagine yourself on the inside? Too afraid to go out. Too afraid to step out into the light and see what you've been missing. Imagine peaking through the holes, letting your mind run wild of ideas of what's outside. But still, you're stuck, with no where to go. It's just a run down, torn apart, closed up window with tattered shades closing out nearly all the light. All you see is from the outside, is what appears to be something so forgotten, so lost to the rest of the world, and with all the mysteries and stories and lives that live inside the window, inside the walls. Let your mind think of all the sadness that's sat inside that window. All the hope that may have been brought out from that window and all the dreams that grew through that window. People have shed many tears from behind the wooden covering. People have wished for a way out. Children have imagined a life outside the slanted, flat panels that bare such a tiny amount of sunshine. Yet here you are, staring at the outside of the barren wall, peeking through the bars that kept them in. The fallen apart plaster you see broken away from its original set. Wondering how such a darkened world could have existed in such a place; a place that seems so simple. The memories of those inside, those will that will live forever, and not even cast a shadow on the wall.

It's almost over

Ok, so first off, I feel kind of bad because it's been over a week or so since my last post. I know no one reads this, but, I know that if someone ever did, I couldn't keep 'em interested if they didn't have anything new to read after a week or so.

I've been kind of really busy lately. (A bit of an oxymoron yah?) Well, my classes are coming to and end, and of course that means all my teachers toss everything at us in the last stretch of class. We have major labs to come up with on our own, a few last minute exams, finals to study for, and all that oh so very fun stuff. Excited for me yet? on top of that, last week was my 21st birthday. I was going to write a blog on my birthday and all considering it was the 10th anniversery of Ellen Degeneres coming out of the closet on t.v. in her "puppy episode". But I was out having quite a few drinks with my family and doing shots with my mom. The rest of the week was filled with homework and studying for 3 tests back to back. Then the weekend came full of work and partying with my friends.

Aside from all the uniteresting stuff going on in life, thought I'd share some rather comical stuff that my mom said to me the other day. I should start off say that I haven't come out of the closet to my family yet. Or rather, most of my friends. Actually, only one person that means anything to me, is the only person in my life that knows. Well, there is the online world, but that doesn't count for almost anything. Back to my story. I don't know how we got started on this topic, but somehow we got into talking about my little sister and her extracurricular activies that my mom wants her to do in school and continue into high school. My sister has been involved in several activies and sports including; cheerleading, softball, tennis, girl scouts, and whatever else. (shows how much im around my own house). So we got to talking, and my mom said something along the lines of "I don't want your sister playing softball". Of course I asked her why, there is nothing wrong with softball, it's incredibly fun to play, and she should be involved in something other then hanging with her friends and going to school. So she tells me, "well you know how it is". Yes, I played softball for 13 years. "I don't want her involved in a sport with a bunch of lesbians. You said it yourself that half the team is gay" Which of course was very true for my school, and I'm sure it applies to most softball teams. We wouldn't have that sterotype if there wasn't something that stood out to people. But I didn't know what to say in response. So I told her " well, yah, half the team was gay. so what? what does that have to do with Elizabeth (my sister)?" She comes back with "Well, you know how she is, she's a follower, not a leader like you. I don't want her to become a lesbian or think whatever just because she doesn't know how to be her own person. She's not a strong as you, she can't stand up against that kind of crap like you did." And I was floored at that response. It was kind of a deer caught in headlights. I just didn't know how to say anything to her without my coming out. So I pretty much didn't say anything. I just kind of said, "Well, if that's what your worried about, you're going to find it with any sport or rather anywhere. And a sport is not going to be what makes up her mind about that anyhow."

But after all of that, I found it interesting that she thinks, rather has always thought, that being gay is a trend. And the more people come out, the cooler it is. I think that's why I have such a problem with telling my parents. That and the fact that my brother and stepdad are super homophobic. But more than that. I find it ironic that she thinks that my little sister might turn out to be gay because of not being able to stand against peer pressure while playing a sport, but yet, I'm the 'strong' one, and here I am, I'm the gay one in my household. It kind of makes me just want to tell her, let her get all of her rediculous theories and opinions out of her mind. Just toss 'em out the window. But then again, she might blame me playing softball for so many years on me being gay. And then she really won't let my sister play ever again.

So I had some thoughts today.

Is it possible to be forgotten in a world with so many people? There are 6 billion people that live on this earth, and aside from the 4 people that live in this house, I can count on one hand the people that seem to remember I even exist. Can we live in a world where the one people you talk to are the ones you work with and those that pass you in the halls of your own home? I mean, I remember a time when I didn’t have any friends. I remember when I almost forgot what that felt like. I thought my life was great, and then, one day things started falling apart again. And now I’m back at that point in life where I don’t have any friends again. Is it me? Did I forget what it’s like to have that connection with people? Or is it that I was never really capable of having that connection in the first place? I sometimes wonder if being around me is like how I sometime feel about Kellie. I can only handle so much of her for so long, than I have to distance myself for awhile. Is that how people see me? When was it that life became so mundane? Has it always been this way? I guess I’ve been tolerating life for so long, that I forgot what it was to have fun. I want to live a different life for awhile. I want to know different people. I want to forget what my life is currently like. I want to forget the friends I thought I had, because most of them don’t even care. I feel like my life has been running around in one big circle. I feel like I’m running away from things and at the same time, running back to all the stuff I thought was lost to me. I think I’ve become one of those pathetic people that obsess with having friends because they’ve never really had any. Maybe I’ve become to pessimistic. Maybe if I could fill my thoughts with words that flowed on a page, I wouldn’t seem so pathetic. People would be intrigued and fascinated with my life because I’d be a troubled artistic type that had to feel alone and abandoned because that’s what makes one’s art. How can I just be pathetic? I need to have some purpose for this depression. I want to be able to see me grow from it or to have some part of myself prosper from it. Whether it be through music, literacy, a hobby of some sort, or just to grow as a person. Either that, or I just want to curl up in a dark hole somewhere, and actually be forgotten. I hate walking around this world, being part of something, being involved in school, or involved in work, talking, laughing with people, and still, the next day people would forget, and I wouldn’t ever be considered significant. But I’m still there, still walking past those people, the people that will never care. Phone conversations seem to be meaningless. People don’t care, they just put up a front. People choose not to answer their cell phones. They look at the name and screen their calls. They willing choose not to answer when you call. Why do people write you out of existence? Why do people seem to loss interest? A life can’t be worth nothing, it can’t be meaningless. But maybe it can. Maybe people weren’t really meant to be happy. Or just some people. So people weren’t meant to be happy. They weren’t meant to enjoy life. They weren’t meant to grow old and have a family. They weren’t meant to find meaning in their tiny existence, just some people. Some people are supposed to find joy in the little things in life. They are able to see their passions and grow from them. They are able to make those connections with people in their lives. They are admired by those around them. Should I say I’m envious of those kind of people? They people that have people that want to be around them, the people that don’t know what it’s like to be left in the dark by those they thought cared? Maybe. Maybe I am supposed to green in envy.

stop and go

have you ever felt like life was moving too fast and yet at the same time, the day is dragging on? well thats how today feels. i dont know if its because im looking forward to so many things, and at the same time dreading turning in homework and taking tests this week. im super excited that im turning 21. i haven't drinkin' in 2 years. i know i know, most of you probably think im crazy to stop drinking for 2 years. but it makes this birthday all the more exciting. on top of that, im getting a tattoo on wednesday. it's going to be freaking awesome. i shouldnt be spending the money on it, i dont really have the money to be spending on it right now, but im going to. why you ask? well, because i feel like i need to be doing something fun for myself. i've been down in a bit of a rut, and i haven't really felt like there was anyone i could turn to recently. even those that are supposedly supposed to be taking me out for my birthday haven't called me back. i don't even know if im going out for my birthday at this point. then my best friend, or so called at this point, is coming to california and i dont even think she cares to see me. i mean, we were on the phone earlier and spent more time beig silent and not saying anything more than we were actually talking. sad huh? well, so im going to party it up. any ladies in sd looking to party for an evening?? i gotta find a fun gay bar and go for ladies night. any one have any ideas?

The End

no this post is not the final post. it just so happens that my aunt had pasted away this last wednesday night and today is the funeral. granted she was 85 and she had lived a full life...but i still can't believe that she won't be around any longer. it makes you think about your own life and what you've done and what you're doing. sitting here in bed writing this blog makes me realize that i haven't really done much of anything recently. however, i am turning 21 at the beginning of next week, and fully plan on partying it up in san diego, maybe even l.a. if i find enough reason to travel 2 1/2 hours. well, im off to go bury my aunt and comfort my uncle. they were married for over 60 years and now he's 83 and all alone. talk about depressing.